ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
