I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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