My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
