Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
