Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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