life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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