Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
