70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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