my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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