I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
