its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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