So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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