don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
