Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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