It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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