mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
