I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
