I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
