you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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