Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
