I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
