I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
