she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
