either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
