I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
