Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
