I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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