and you said cock pushups were impossible
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
