Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
