So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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