i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
