After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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