dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
