she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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