Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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