I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
