one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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