So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
