I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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