I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
