The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
