I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
