Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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