I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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