Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
