Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
