just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
