I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
