By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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