literally had 100 drinks last night.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
