Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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