Who did Billy Mays play for?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize