I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
where are you?
Hypothermia
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
