Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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