You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
