I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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