u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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