just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
