grandma shit on top of the toilet
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
