woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
