I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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