I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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