It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
